(no subject)
peaceempty

today I feel alone. I'm so sick of riding the bus all over Portland. it smells funny. I feel very disconnected from people, everyone around me. work is gonna be weird. I woke up and went jogging today. it felt great but did not make me feel less depressed at all... I feel a distance, a void. idk, maybe I'm crazy, I probably am. I want to hurt myself. I am disgusting. I've been trying to stop being fat but I fail. I always fail. I'm so sick of failure. I really need to stop eating for at least a week. I will not eat today except for half a cucumber and an apple. I'm serious, so sick of being fat. I'm sick of working out just to be hungrier and end up over eating and just wasting my time getting bigger instead of smaller. I need discipline. I need to stop being a lazy fuck. blah, for real, I have let myself go too far. I want to turn around and go the other way, I'm done running back and forth. I should embrace my disease, I should come to terms with it. I will always have an eating disorder, forever. it doesn't matter whether you call it bulimia, oced, orthorexia, or anorexia. I will always have at least one of those ruling 90% of everything I do. but woo hoo, life is great, life is foul. its a cruel wicked joke. thanks mom.
I felt a weird tension between me and Andrew this morning. I know its my fault but I don't know how to explain this to him. I just didn't want to be touched. I don't want to be aware of how disgusting I am and how odd it is that he doesn't think so. I feel like I'm being lied to. like he secretly thinks I'm gross and he's just touching me to humiliate me. to make a mockery of me, hahaha. I know this isn't true, I know that I'm insane. but reguardless, this is how I feel. I think I'm almost to work, I better stop writing. ill probably write on the way back to let you know what I did or didn't eat.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags:

shoulda posted 01/24
peaceempty
Heyo,
Totally should have written earlier, I'm surprised I haven't. I started writing an entry on my phone like the day I moved to Portland but it was annoying to type on my phone so I quit and got terribly distracted. I've been terribly distracted pretty much constantly for the past 2 weeks. OMG dude, I can't believe I've only been here 2 weeks. I don't even know, honestly it feels like its been like 2 days and at the same time it feels like its been 2 months so I guess 2 weeks is reasonable. Yeah, I have a say in what time does.... no... Anyways, yes I moved to Portland, I fucking made it here. After the last fucking year of working my ass off and setting my mind to it. Like, holy shit dude, wow! I can't believe I made this happen. This is crazy. And amazing and awesome and fuck! Holy fuck! Dude, everything I thought it was gonna be and so so so so much more. Like what the fuck. I don't even know where to begin. Uhm yeah, so I'm gonna explain the Andrew situation. Shit went down, I'm not really sure what part of this situation I've explained. Hold on, I'm gonna read it in another tab so I don't repeat a bunch of shit........... reading......... ok so you know it was getting serious. Well, basically we said the damn word to eachother, and, well, fuck. Now, he's moving out here... Idk, I feel like this is the right choice. I bought him a plane ticket. Hopefully he doesn't back out, bleh. That would suck so bad, I'd be pissed. I would be so fucking heart broken too. So, we'll see. He's like planning for it, trying to make money n shit, like he's doing it. I have no reason to believe he'll stand me up, unless he backs out at the last minute. But once he's here dude, life is going to be complete, or something, as complete as I can make it for now. I mean, honestly its gonna be kinda weird. Not really, just like I'm gonna have to figure out where I'm going to live. Or rather, where we're going to live. I'm going to have to find a second job, which I'm attempting to do right now.

(no subject)
peaceempty
So, I'm slightly drunk and also high. Sorry if I sound insane now or fuck up tryping alot. Yesterday I got into a fight with a coffee grinder and lost. Like I lost the skin on my finger tip. It kinda sucks. I'm surprise typing isnt a bitch right now. Lifes been weird as fuck. OMG I feel weird. I feel here but I'm not. Like the future of cincinnati doesn't matter to me. My future doesn't matter to anyone here, I'm fading out. People are talking about things that'll happen when I'm not here. I'm training my replacement. Holy fucking shit, I'm training my replacement. Fuck. omg, I'm seriously crying. Fuck, this is so sad. This is weird, I've never done this before. I think I should stop writing for now, until I'm alone. I'll write more later...

(no subject)
peaceempty

Im so sick of being fat. I know I say that all the time but I really feel like this. I need to not binge at night. Starting today, for the next week I will not eat for 5 hours before I would lay down. Im just gonna try this, its my only rule. Im gonna take benadryl if I have to, to sleep before I have a chance to eat everything. Im going overcome this fat part of my life. Im going to be comfortable in my own skin.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags:

Writer's Block: No refunds
peaceempty
What is your biggest regret? Did you learn from it or does it still plague you?

I regret nothing. Everything I have done in the past has made me who i am today and I wouldn't really want to be different. There are things in my past that I wish I wouldn't have done but I learned from those experiences and have used them in shaping my current self.

(no subject)
peaceempty

Omgz its hot as hell. Once it gets to 90 its fuckin hot. So, I didn't work out today, I mean its early and I will be cleaning a lot but I won't be biking or gyming at all. I was going to and then I got high and was stupid. Tomorrow I'll get like 60-90 mins work out to make up for it. I shouldn't eat much today. I'm hungry though :( I suck at not eating any more. I know I just need to not do it but grrrrr.... I'm an addict. Everytime I starve I get really depressed and i think that's part of what I'm avoiding. Fuckin fuck.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags:

(no subject)
peaceempty

ughabur.... I don't even know what's going on with me dude. It seems like I only feel good after I purge anymore. I'm not purging a lot or anything, its just the only times I remember feeling good in my body in the last month or 2. Since the last time I starved. Why do I get satisfaction from eating disorders?

Well I'm in my way to kroger and then highlands to cover jays shift. I was gonna buy food to last a couple days. I should just buy fruit and veggies. I think I will. Seriously I really don't wanna be fat and I don't want to purge either. I've worked out a lot this week, I'm sore as hell now, but next week I wanna work out even more. I got this gym membership so I plan on working out as much as possible. Alright well I have to get off the bus in a sec so I guess I'm done now =]

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Tags:

(no subject)
peaceempty
Meep O_o I haven't posted in like idk, 2 weeks or something. I got shit figured out with my boss n shit, so I'm no longer mad at him, although I do still think he's silly like in a stupid kind of way. I'm gonna be working at Carew Tower soon, and once they need people for this new place, I'll be working there too. I'm really stoked for the new place. It's called Japps, its reopening but its been there for 150 years, which is kind of awesome. It's one of like maybe 5 places in cincinnati that have been there that long and not changed the name. I'll be doing coffee/alcohol drinks there and also a bunch of different brewing methods and shit. One more awesome place for my resume. Eventually, I'm gonna have a real good job makin coffee. I'm serious dude, just over the last year my barista career has taken off. Its because of tazzamia really but highlands will definitely help my resume. Gah, I can't wait to move to portland. I'm seriously gonna go to stumptown and tell them how awesome I am and that they should hire me as soon as they have an opening, and that i'll wait for it. My latte art is getting better too, and after monday I'll be able to host cuppings and like get paid for it and shit, that'll be awesome for my resume too. OMG, I can't wait to move to portland, I can't wait, I can't freakin wait. I have $350 saved now, thats not much but I just got ahead on my bills and I'm actually attempting to sell my car. So, shits goin down, I'm going to make this happen. I've wanted to move away from cinci since I was like 13 and this is the first time I've made moves n shit. I mean, I did live in dayton and I did live in new orleans for like 2 months but this is different. I'm gonna make something of myself out there. I'm just starting my barista career, once I get out there I'll have a new perspectve. I'll be able to work at other coffee houses that have a similar goal as tazza but different, better. I can't wait to open my own coffee house with brad. One day, one freain day dude. Ah!

So, anyway I've been fuckin binge eating basically for the last like 2 weeks. Yeah, cuz I didn't know that would happen when I starved myself for like 2 weeks. Yay, so I'm back to the exact weight I was at before and completely insane about it. I am done with it dude, its the bp that makes me stop. My esophagus can't handle it, like for reals, I keep waking up in pain, with burning in my chest, woot woot. No, it sucks though and I know its stomach acid eating away at my esophagus. So, I started the raw food diet yesterday. I randomly think about it and have wanted to for years. I've tried it before and given up but this time I'm gonna stick to it. At least for the most part, I'm not giving up coffee, at least not yet. I will eventually give it up on the daily but never completely. I <3 coffee too much. The last time I tried the raw diet, I ate nuts like constantly. This time is gonna be different. My tastes have changed since then, and I think I can do it. I love salads now, like so much and I used to not like them. I'm trying to not care about my weight either, I'm mostly concentrating on feeling good. Idk if its placebo or just a good attitude but I already feel better, like energetic. I'm gonna binge on cherries n blueberries. I'm gonna eat kale burritos. I'm gonna be more creative with 'cooking' and not be lazy about it. So, yeah, stoked on that shit. I already bought mad produce so I'm gonna be a raw foodist at least til its all gone. 

I started my period today, just for the record. I'm suppose to go to walgreens soon and pick up pictures from the picture adventure that I had developed. I'm gonna make another collage and I'm really excited about it. I got half the picture developed and I already have ideas. I can't wait! I realized that I can get pictures from my phone developed and its cheaper, and better. I'm pretty stoked about that too, for the next one.  I think I'm gonna start a set of collages. Yeeyah! Alright, my hyper ass needs to go do something. You can tell how hyper I am by how freakin long this entry is, lmao. Aight plur!

Peace n Carrots

(no subject)
peaceempty
I didn't even want to post last night. I'm not sure if I even wanna post now. I bp like 3 times yesterday and then ended with a binge i kept down. Thats the worst. I haven't done that shit like that in a minute. So, today I've eaten 500 cals and I've worked off 500 cals, its 8 at night. I'm considering going to sleep early. Just avoid all temptation together. I weighed 127.5 this morning, omgz. I feel disgusting today. WHY! I was so determined and then I let myself celebrate my v-day. I'm not mad about that, I'm mad that I couldn't regain control the next day. Stupid. Well, today I'm pretty on the ball so, hopefully I'll be fine tomorrow. I think when I wake up I'm gonna bike to the land and then do shit there. Then when I get back I'm gonna go to moca if they're open and get an iced black eye and chill for awhile. I'm suppose to go to the cac tomorrow and do art. I'm pretty stoked about that. I need to draw more. I'm gonna draw a rainbow panda. I might start now, get an idea of what I wanna do ie how to draw a panda. I need to be really good at drawing pandas. But, anyway, yes tomorrow, will be awesome and I'm not fucking up today. I'll post tomorrow while I'm drinkin that black eye.

Peace n Carrots

(no subject)
peaceempty
Yesterday was crazy. I had a little over 1000 cals but I worked off about 800. I woke up freakin the fuck out. I threw things and fell on the floor and cried. I haven't freaked out like that in awhile, sigh. All day I felt on edge. I hung out with devin last night. It was the first time we've hung out in a couple weeks. It was nice, really. I've felt really alone lately and I'm glad I had someone to talk to. Although, I feel like I shouldn't use devin like that. Not that I was using him, but idk.... I just feel like even when we put distance between us, the feelings remain. I miss him, I really do. But, we can't be together. I mean we can, I just don't want to. I'm too crazy and independent. I don't think I should be in a relationship ever. Boys try to get me to go out with them sometimes and I just don't have any desire. I don't like them. I don't want to sleep with anyone, and I don't want to date anyone either. Whatevs, I don't really care. Today, I'm gonna stay below 800, I probably won't get as much exercise. More like, I definitely won't, I gotta work at highlands from like 1-10, so I dont have much time. I plan on walking there if its not raining though. So, I'll get a lil exercise. Yesterday I walked 5 miles, rode my bike for 45 mins and went and played 5 games of DDR. Madness, so awesome. I just weighed myself and the scale says 121. Its a liar, I know that. At the doctor I would weigh 124 but, honestly, thats still not bad. Not awesome, not the goal. But I'm doing really well. I hope with all this walking and shit that I do, I'll be able to keep my metabolism up whilst not eating much. I read somewhere to eat more protein than anything else. Like they said to eat 70g instead of 45g. Thats a lot more. Its probably way better, I think you just piss it out if you consume too much anyway. Thats better than carbs fo shizzle, or fat for that matter. Although, I'm typically low on fat and protein and high on carbs. I think it'd be a good idea to try the protein thing. Apparently soy beans are complete proteins, which is awesome. Apparently, soy and quinoa and buckwheat are all complete proteins. I'm glad I drink a lot of soy, lol. Well, anywayz, today 800 cals and of that I'm gonna shoot for 70g of protein. It seriously is a good idea now that I just looked up protein. You need like 8 different proteins a day for your body to make complete proteins with, unless you ingest complete ones. So, in the end you'll probably have too much of one and not enough of others so its better to eat more in variety. I so smart ^_^ haha. Ok, I gots to change laundry and shake a tower.

?

Log in