peaceempty

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Ok so I have a hard time being able to post mondays and tuesdays because i work at dominos massively those days. Yesterday this one girl got fired so I worked an extra 4 hours and then friday I'm going to work her shift. I'm glad because I really need hours but I hate working there because of the food. I get paid on friday so, I'll be able to buy food thats not from there if i'm going to eat. I dunno, I think I'll be alright friday. Its just so hard to get back on track once i get off. I wish I could just be healthy about dieting and lose weight but its fuckin stupid. Or maybe if I could find something else to occupy my mind instead of food/fasting/exercise/binging/purging. Stupidness. Monday was terrible... absolutely terrible like bp all day. That goes for tuesday as well. I am going to start making sure I have enough food there to last all day. Like food that i like that is healthy. I think sunday i should make food to take to work. I need to go to the grocery store. I wanna be healthy. I wanna be able to eat right and not just fast a couple days and then bp the next couple. It just makes me stressed out. I need to find a place close to me to work out at. I was thinking about going to the ymca right by my house. Its like literally right by house, about 2 blocks down. It would be insanely easy to workout whenever they are open. Then on the days that I am in reading I could go to sharonwoods and work out there. I think I just don't really wanna go alone. Bleh, it will be fine. I hate social anxiety. Its so intense when it comes to working out in front of people and stuff. I'm pretty fit now, I shouldn't feel ashamed of what i can and can't do. I know I don't look weak/fat. I just need to do it. Tomorrow I have to work... I'm about to see how much a day pass is and then i might be able to go for one day and check it out. Lame, you have to have a member occampany you if your not a member, fuck that. I just found out theres a 24 hr gym about 5 min driving from my house. My roommate said he wants to go too. So, maybe we can go together and i'd probably go on my own sometimes and still go to sharonwoods sometimes but that would be an awesome plan... Wow, I'm retarded, I just made a vegan peanut butter milkshake and now i wanna purge it. Bleh, I'm gonna try not to... Maybe I'll just do it and then go to sleep. Fuck this shit...

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I worked out 90 min = 30 min longer than my goal. I ate about 500 cals = 300 less than my goal. I was in a really bad mood when I woke up but after working out I felt a lot better. I was so tired all day and then couldn't sleep. Blurg.

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I'm so pissed I didn't exercise at all today. I need a fucking car. I am so sick of not being able to work out whenever I want. I woke up wanting to exercise so bad and then I couldn't. Now its going to be harder to sleep, I won't lose any weight, and its going to be harder to do it tomorrow. I hate this shit. Plus I got paid today from work and all of my money immediately went to bills for the 6th check in a row. I'm so sick of being poor as fuck and barely making it by. I got the paperwork for therapy but theres a several month waiting list, unless I want to do out-patient, which I'm seriously considering because I'm going fucking crazy. I can't believe I cut myself again a couple weeks ago. I am so retarded. That's so immature and stupid. Why am I doing this to myself? I hate living and I'm wasting my life wanting to die. Its like relapse after relapse for me. In and out of phases and lifestyles and personalities. I want to bp right now. I'm thinking about taking sleeping pills instead because I'll only be pissed at myself about it tomorrow, unless I lose weight and then I'll start doing it again. I'm done whining.

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Hells fuckin yeah, I rock to the max. I went to the park and worked out for 75 min. Then I went to the store for work and had to stock the cooler mass. Plus, I was super busy which was wicked awesomesauce for the exercise and the money. I was too busy to eat even if I'd wanted to. My goal for calories was 800 and I had 550 so I'm ahead of myself. I drank 80 oz of water plus 18.5 oz fuze. I did drink coffee and 1/2 a diet coke but I think I'll drink one more 20 oz bottle of water to make up for it. I posted this morning and I'm posting now. I'm so glad I did good today. Tomorrow I'm going to be awesome once again and I get paid, thank god. Most of my check is going to go to bills but I get a little bit so I won't be broke and I work again on saturday. Hopefully saturday will be as busy as today. It would be awesome to have another $50 day. Well, I'm gonna get ready for bed, I'm wore the fuck out. Tomorrow I get to actually hang out with Devin. I hope we're both in a good mood so we can go do something cool and have fun.

I'm Out like Sour Kraut, ew
                ^_^
 

Blurg, haven't posted much recently. I have lost it a little. I haven't been fasting or b/p much, which is alright... i guess. I am getting shit together. Tomorrow I am starting the 28 Day Plan. It works like this... Each day I have a cal goal, water goal, post goal, and an exercise goal. If I reach the goal I get 2 points for each thing. If I fuck up a little but still did good then I'll get one point and obviously if I have a really shitty day I lose all points and get a 0. So, here are my goals.

Day   Cals  Exercise (min)
1       800      90
2       600      90
3       800      60
4       200      90
5       800       0
6       200      90
7       200      90
8       600      60
9       200      90
10     600      60
11     600      90
12     800      0
13     200      90
14     200      90
15     800      60
16     200      90
17     800      60
18     600      90
19     800       0
20     400      90
21     200      90
22     800      60
23       0        60
24     400      90
25     600      60
26     800       0
27     200      90
28       0        60

I have to drink 80 oz of water a day and post once in the morning and once at night, either on my journal or a community.

My goal is to weight 105 by the end... I don't think that is what I will weigh. I'm thinking 110 so I'll be happy with that outcome.

Today and yesterday I worked out for 60 min. I ate too much though, something like 1500 each day, it was completely healthy shit though. I'm going to say its good for my metabolism, which... it is, i guess. I need to remember to take vitamins everyday, no matter what. Seriously, that is vital to not passing out, and if I don't take them even for one day, i'll feel like ass. I need to keep my drive and stop being sneaky. I don't wanna have to bp. I really don't. I fasted for 3 weeks, I will do this. I'm gonna try to stay away from liquids with calories. Try to drink less caffeine and more water. Ok, I'm done posting. I will keep updating my status.

Peace n Carrots

5'5"
22 years old

Hearts = Pushups
Diamonds = Crunches
Clubs = Lunges
Spades = Reverse Crunches

Aces = 1 min rest
Face cards = 10 reps
# cards = # of reps to do

Pick a card and do that exercise and # of reps.
6 of hearts = 6 pushups
Jack of clubs = 10 lunges....etc etc.
Work your way through the whole deck of cards"

Q:How many pro-anas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100.

1 to actually screw it in.
10 to say "OMG, I wish I had your willpower!  I've been sitting in the dark for the past month!"
20 to to claim that they were "Screwing in my lightbulb last year, but then my parents stopped me when it was almost in and made me unscrew it... now it's completely dark in here!  I need motivation to start screwing it in again!"
15 to take pictures from bizarre angles that make it look like they're screwing in their lightbulbs.
14 to post pictures of Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen in close proximity to light bulbs.
10 to argue over whether or not screwing in a lightbulb is a choice or the result of a psychological problem.
10 to claim that their lightbulbs are completely screwed in, even though they're sitting in a dark room with an unscrewed bulb sitting next to them.
11 to say that they had their lightbulb partially screwed in last week, but spent the weekend unscrewing it because they lost their will power.
2 to write poems about the goddess lightbulb that guides them on their quest for light.
and...
7 to come along randomly and ask how they can become light bulb screwers too..

How many pro-mias:
1 to screw it in.
10 who want to screw it in, but don't want to get caught.
20 who used to do it a lot, but can't because their mom is always watching them.
5 who tried to screw it in, but it hurt.
20 to claim that they just "can't" and "weren't born with screwing abilities."
12 who would really like to, but can't make friends with gravity.
15 who need tips and tricks from more experienced light-bulb screwers.
7 who ask the others if they could really benefit from a screwed-in lightbulb.
5 who start to screw it in, but get burned.
15 to claim that they want to be as strong-willed as those who sit in the dark.
10 to wonder if that glow it gets when you turn it on is a bad thing or if it's just a side effect or maybe they should go to the hospital.

Yesterday just awesome, NOT. I ate half a bowl of oat bran and purged it. Then at work I ate chips and hummus, then proceeded to make a 24oz peanut butter banana chocolate smoothie and drank it all and then purged in the bathroom for 20 min or until i had regurgitated most of the chips and hummus, which sucked. The smoothie came out fine but throwing up chips hurts, ouch >.<

Enough about that, I am sore. Sore as fuck. I like being sore but not being tired and i don't particularly like being sore when i planned to exercise all day. I took a bath and that helped. I'm about to stretch and do some push ups and sit ups and then I'm walking to the bus to go to work and get my check. I think I'm gonna try to go to the park, but theres probably going to be a bunch of people there because its friday. I might try to get there somehow tonight, or do something. I just need to do some sort of vigorous exercise. I don't feel like its good enough unless it burns. Plus, I wanna keep up doing what I did the other day because it was a work out and a half.

Tomorrow I have to work but sunday, I'm gonna be active as fuck. I'm going to do what I did the other day. Walk to the bus (1 mile), take the bus to reading, walk to sharonwoods (4.5 miles), then jog (1 mile minimum), and do the exercise course. I doubt I'll be able to canoe but I might, I could do it by myself for a few hours, that would be awesome, just canoe back and forth for a while, great for my arms.

I didn't lose anything again today. Hopefully, if I stay below 400 cals and get a descent work out, tomorrow I will lose. Its stupid that my overall mood is so dependent on whether or not I lose weight. I haven't gained anything in about a month so at least theres that. If I do I'll probably completely freak out, I probably need to freak out anyway. I always sorta feel like I'm about to freak out but haven't the energy or something. Well, I'm gonna do all those things I just said I was gonna do and stop sitting around being lame.

Peace n Carrots

I hate myself for doing this to myself. I do this to myself because I hate myself. Who decided it was a good idea to make masicistic damaged goods? Why do I have to be one? Where does the cycle end... or does it? Screw my childhood, my teenage years, and my adult life. Why do I have to be crazy? Really, life is not fair at all, its terribly unfair, and unjust, and cruel.
I need to get out of this depressing life. I've always been depressed, my whole life. I hate this, I don't wanna do it anymore. I wish I could just give up but I know I can't.

I feel eyes stare through me like material. Maybe its all I am. I feel like someones stuff up for sale. Plastic and fake covered in pretty wrapping or fancy paint. Artwork carved into my lap. Like a chair they want to sit on their faces. I'm their car, their house, and their wallet. I could be their pet. They watch me from across the room while they window shop. I am an object they spy on.

Faded so sweetly over these past 5 years... wonder if they'll ever go away

My family is retarded. I had to go help my mom move today and everyone was there my sister her husband and they're 3 kids and then my brother, his wife, and their 2 kids and my retarded uncle was there too. First my sister says to me is, "You need to eat your skinny as a rail." I told I'm not underweight I'm not THAT skinny. My mom bought lunch for everyone fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans w/ butter, and mac and cheese. I'm vegan, not one thing I could eat. Not that I wanted to eat anyways but then when I'm not eating everyones like, "oh why aren't you eating" and I'm like, "well I'm vegan, I don't eat anything that comes from an animal and theres nothing here I can eat." One of the kids whom is a fifteen year old girls says,"so, thats how you stay so skinny, i wish i was you." Thats just great. The thing that pisses me off the most is that no one except my mom and my retarded uncle talked to me about anything but how I eat or how skinny I am and blah blah blah. They didn't even know I'm vegan, I've been vegan for almost a year and a half. They make me so mad. I wish I didn't have any siblings or maybe if they had been closer to my age. They are never around and they know nothing about me and it pisses me off so much. I mean I understand, they have their kids and families and lives. When I was growing up they were around and then they left. I've felt deserted. My sister disowned me when I became a dancer and I can't forgive her for that. A part of me is ashamed of it because I know they don't understand and they won't look over something like that. I'm a bad influence or whatever. Ugh. I don't even know. Part of me wants to lose mass weight so they will know what skinny really looks like. They won't try to help me, they'll just stop talking to me again. I'll be they problem. Fuck them. I don't need them, they don't care about me.

Sorry I just needed to vent

I got the job at highlands, I am so fucking stoked outta control!

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;
We have more experts, but more problems; more medicines, but less wellness;
We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly;
We stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch television too much too often;
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values;
We talk too much, love too little and lie too often;
We‘ve learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space. We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice;
We write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.
We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies, but have less communication. 
We are long on quantity, but short on quality. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
More leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition; two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes.
That’s why I propose, that as of today, you do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.
Search for knowledge, read more, sit on your front porch and admire the view without paying attention to your needs.
Spend more time with your family and friends, eat your favorite foods, and visit the places you love.
Life is a chain of moment of enjoyment, not only about survival.
Use your crystal goblets. Do not save your best perfume, and use it every time you feel you want it.
Remove from your vocabulary phrases like “one of these days” and “someday”. Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days”.
Let’s tell our families and friends how much we love them. Do not delay anything that adds laughter and joy to your life.
Every day, every hour, and every minute is special. And you don’t know if it will be your last.  

I did alright today, 1100 cal. total and i swam laps for an hour... Popsicles are awesome when i feel like i'm about to binge. Tomorrow I'm gonna do better. Only 700 cal tomorrow, and I'm going to jog for 2 miles and swim laps for an hour and a half. Then on sunday I'll feel awesome. I've got to stay hungry.